Moving forward

Sometimes moving forward is all you can do.

Recently, I had some misunderstandings and differences of opinions with a friend, seems most of the misunderstandings were on my part, and now we are not so close. And currently not talking. It is frustrating how misunderstandings and some differences in opinion can escalate to such a degree. It may have helped if I was told directly what the problems were. I don’t do well with indirect and sometimes honestly feel dumb since I miss signals and don’t read people entirely correctly. It may have also helped if I understood signals and indirectness better. Makes it easier to not overstep boundaries. Or perhaps if I were less sensitive… Perhaps it is just our personalities don’t mesh as well as they seemed to at first. Perhaps the difference in opinion on one subject, or more than one subject, was just too big for her. Perhaps both of us being sick didn’t help. “Perhaps… Perhaps…”

Whatever the reason, we aren’t as close anymore.

It bugged me for a while since we kind of live in the same apartment complex and haven’t really discussed the issues. But I am coming to terms with the fact that I can’t make everyone happy, that misunderstandings and differences in opinion happen, and not everyone that starts as friends will continue to like me. If I am making her that upset, then perhaps it is better we take a break. If this break happens to be the rest of our lives, it will be sad since I thought we were getting along fine until recently, that is how it is gonna be. Just gotta let things happen. And I gotta let them happen before I spend so much energy worrying over it and thinking about it.

In moving forward, I am letting that issue lie for now. If she wants to talk when she is no longer sick and no longer angry, I will still be here. My mother says this is the best course of action. I trust her mommy-wisdom. Lots of people in the complex are curious, since we were so close… but quite frankly, it is between us what the differences were that led to us currently not talking. I am not comfortable just telling everyone. If she wants to, that is cool. I am not going to beyond “We had differences in opinion” and what I wrote here.

I will say that my stomach drops when I think about the awkwardness that may happen. I don’t like things like this. I feel cold, a touch hurt, and apprehensive when it comes up… Geh. I gotta just let it go, despite the hurt and how hard it is. I also gotta get it to stop going round and round in my head like one of those industrial driers where you watch the same thing go around and around and around. (Maybe posting it here will finally get it out of my system… or maybe not. I hope it will.)

Also moving forward, I am still sick. Tomorrow makes two weeks. I will be going to the doctor’s and seeing what’s up. I am hoping it is something they can actually give me medicine for and kill. At the same time, I hope it is nothing and can go away very quickly. It hasn’t so far, so…. yeah… I need this thing gone by this weekend. I have a dinner with some of my friends on Saturday and I start my new job on Monday.

I haven’t gone shopping yet for my new job. I have a little business-casual attire, but will need to get more clothes. There will be eyebrow quirks if I wear the same things over and over again. If they notice. Blegh. I really don’t like clothes shopping. I don’t even know what size I am gonna wear when I do get clothes. I have been eating a lot less since I have been sick. But that means when I do eat my, my body might try and store the nutrients in fats so it doesn’t starve. Geh.  It might also help me be more inspired if I had more money.

In brighter news, I have made a new friend! I am excited to make new friends. She is taking part of the TIUA program, which is attached to my college alma mater. In case you don’t know, TIUA is the acronym for Tokyo International University of America. It is a US branch of Tokyo International University. Students come to the US to learn English and work on skills useful for various business opportunities in Japan. Knowing how to speak English well is huge in Japan for communications and business. She seems really nice and spunky, though a little self-conscious about her English skills. We are planning to do a dinner on Saturday, so I need to be better before then! I hope this new friendship becomes a good one. A friend of mine who went back to Japan introduced us, telling her that I am a good friend of his. He is a wonderful friend, and I am so excited he is coming back this fall! I missed him. I will definitely do my best to help out his friend, my new friend.

I am still trying to work on new artwork for selling at the Powwow on the 12th. It will be really exciting! I have to take pics so I can post the items on my etsy site, and then I need to add to my inventory. It seems, however, that I am better at selling my dad’s merchandise than my own. *sigh*  Gotta get better at selling my own stuff!

I think I need a better sense of community where I feel supported and don’t need to worry so much about people being destructive. I think I definitely miss that feeling from when I was in High School and college. I need to drink tea and get better. I need to let this frustration drop. I need to do more for my business (did you see my blog and my etsy shop?) and make new merchandise. I need to watch how I am moving forward instead of looking backwards (that is how I stumble over things… not watching where I am going by focusing on what’s behind me). I need to get ingredients for dinner on Saturday and I am looking forward to learning more about my new friends. They seem spaztic and silly and like a lot of fun. 😀

I also need to learn to be more like my mother. But don’t tell her that. I admire how she is always nice to everyone, never seems to be petty, always knows how to smooth ruffled feathers, and never seems to annoy people or overstep boundaries. I guess that means I need to be careful about how I relate my thoughts and feelings and perhaps not be as openly opinionated. But that is for another possible post, wherein I expose some of my worst character flaws…. or just how my personality and brain works.

You know, you kind of get a sense of it’s convoluted-ness here in these posts.

Randomly: Am I the only person who thinks it is funny to hear someone say they “dirty iced” a cake? I know it is the not-so-pretty icing that keeps the crumbs from getting all over. But it sounds funny…. doesn’t one want to use clean icing? Haahaahaa.

I want to end this post with hopes and prayers…. so:

Prayers, Good Thoughts, and Best Wishes to all those who need it!

To the sick, the deployed and their families, those who have lost loved or are on the verge of losing ones, those having crises and tough times in their lives, those having relationship/friendship issues, the lonely, and those who just need someone to care.

You are loved. Now and always.

~Nikki

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About N B

Artist, critic, friend, and rambly-ponderer.
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